Now, folks, these are my trade secrets! Ordinarily you’d have to pay for this or I’d have to kill you or a combination of the two. If you ever wanted your boss to think you are working tirelessly then this is right up your alley!
1. Aggressive Typing
When your boss walks by start hammering at your keyboard while looking intensely at the screen. Ignore all external stimuli until they walk by.
2. Filing Frenzy
You will need to pull a few files out of your cabinet and set them beside your table. As soon as the boss walks your way, get up and begin to file them where you originally got them. You will look productive.
Keep a depleted cup of coffee on your table. When you see the big boss coming, get up and go and refill. Coffee is the fuel of productivity. Also remember to throw in a cheesy line like, “hey hey hey jet fuel!”
4. Stress Out
Stress out about something. Or rather, perfect the act of looking stressed out. Grit teeth, place your hands on your head, smack your head into the table, throw a stapler across the room. The boss will think you are stressed out because of all your hard work and commitment.
5. Be Mr/Mrs Efficient
Pick an employee you dislike. Let us call that person Lesley. Make up a task you have to do and go tell the boss you are almost done but you are just waiting for Lesley’s part (genius I know!).
6. Excel In All Things
Transfer information into Microsoft Excel Spreadsheet. If you get any information simply transfer it to an Excel Spreadsheet. You will look smart and organized. Plus you can show off to the boss by showing them a pie chart of employee attendance by department at bowling night.
7. Fake Phone Calls
A phone call is a sign of industry. Call your best friend and when the boss walks by, talk about how you need a TPS report ASAP or PRONTO. ASAP and PRONTO are good Caucasian words to use in this instance.
8. The PDF Monster
Print out a document in ADOBE PDF format. It will take dog years to actually print and you will seem industrious. This is also a perfect time to use technique 3 and get more coffee for the two hit combo.
Stand up, dash out of the room and return with a huge box. The box should contain material associated with productivity like: staplers, calendars, paper clips, baseball bats etc. You’ve decided to ‘re-organize’ your desk and improve efficiency.
Well, there you go. Use ’em don’t abuse ’em! Happy Slacking!