Facebook has become a part of modern life. People spend large amounts of time posting things, reading profiles and joining groups. To what extent can we call the compulsion an addiction?
Here are a few signs that suggest that you might be a Grade One Professional Facebook Addict!
1. You reply to your friends comments after ± 0.3 seconds. You prey on their every comment like a tiger stalks its prey. Before they can finish responding, you ambush them with a un-respondable, ‘haha that’s awesome!!’. Sometimes you are so fast that your response is quicker than the post and Facebook momentarily crashes.
2. You are a member of more than 3000 useless Facebook groups including: ‘Save The African Children’, ‘Bring Peace to Asia’, This Guy is a Dbag’ and ‘I love my cat’.
3. You tell people you have a new job. They all swarm around you to congratulate you. Very shortly thereafter they disappear when they find out the ‘job’ is to build a drug cartel in Havana, Cuba in the Mafia Wars. You proceed to email your boss for advice and he recommends you pack your belongings and relieve yourself of your employment.
4. You have miniaturized your stalking habit by enabling Facebook mobile access. Now you have Facebook at your fingertips at all times. At the bar, at work, even at your best friend’s funeral. Amidst the mourning, you quickly sneak in a status update that reads ‘R.I.P Jack! Looking for a new BFF!’
5. You used to be the picture of athleticism with your sexy six pack, long sleek legs and trapezius muscles. As a result of sitting on Facebook and chomping nachos all day, you look like a certain someone in one of her ‘off periods’ or another certain somebody in general.
6. Work has become a nice break from Facebook. Now you’re trying to rush your memo, get that presentation wrapped up or breeze through your open heart surgery just so you can poke Jenn and send her a martini on Facebook.
7. You actually go to a place mentioned on someone’s status, like a party named “LA PASION” in Cambridge, MA, in hopes of seeing them in real life. Not only is that creepy, but I am pretty sure you can get arrested for that. In fact the next piece of mail you will get is a restraining order.
8. Your workplace prevents you from using Facebook. You start to develop symptoms not so different from the withdrawal symptoms of a crack addict. Your symptoms include: agitation, depression, fatigue, anxiety, nausea or vomiting and angry outbursts. All this is accompanied by a cold sweat. You commit yourself to rehab to get out of work but not before you google all the rehab facilities with Facebook access.
9. So, you decide to rob a house. You do everything correctly and make your escape seamlessly. Within an hour you are apprehended because during the robbery you couldn’t resist sneaking a peak at Jill’s status message. You forget to log off and basically leave the cops: your name, address, current city, relationship status, hobbies, favorite quote etc. To top it all, your status reads ‘Just robbed a house … having a beer at the O’tools bar on 51st and Broadway.’ That actually happened!!
10. To really drive the point home, I posted a link to this article on Facebook. You clicked the link within 0.3 seconds. Replied with an unrespondable “haha that’s awesome”, poked me, invited me to a random, useless group, gave me a job to do in mafia wars, and now you are reading this article.
YOU STALKER! GET A LIFE! HAHA.